Published March 22, 2008
Darkness comes,
The liquid moon
Rises from eternal gloom.
In it's light
Without a sound,
An old man sits on the ground.
Clad is he,
In robes of wool,
And a yew staff lies beside him
In the distance,
Olympus proud,
Is whispering without a sound.
Of secrets dark
And secrets deep,
Secrets the mountain jealous keeps.
The old man sits,
Without a care,
Save the charges lying there
Sleeping on the down.
A little food, a little warmth
Is all the old man sought
He plays his pipe, a merry tune,
And banishes the stagnant gloom,
For a little while.
For secrets dark, and secrets deep;
Secrets that haunt the sleep
Of other men hold no power over him.
He sits alone, in the dark,
And hears the singing of the lark,
Signifying dawn.
The old man smiles,
The mountain keeps,
It's secrets dark and secrets deep
'Nother night to plague the sleep
Of other men, not he.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,258 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
The conflict in this poem is all about the secrets that the mountain keeps. Unfortunately, it seems like you don't give us a hint about the secrets, instead talking about an old man who seems perfectly content with life. You try to connect the two in the last stanza by saying the old man doesn't worry, but it seems very contrived. I think it would be more interesting if the man had a role to play in the secret, and that's why he was happily playing his pipe instead of worrying about survival.
So basically, connect the conflicts more and it'll be pretty. ^_^
Good luck!
I know what you mean about the third stanza, that line didn't quite sit with me either. And I promise, this is an completely original work
Wow.
I really liked this, apart from the second stanza doesn't quite fit in rhythm with the rest of it. The last line of the third stanza doesn't fit either. There are some other bits too where it's not quite right...maybe go over and look carefully at this.
And I can't shake the feeling that some of it sounds a tiny bit like the last verse of 'Stopping by the Woods' on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.
I like the repetition and the simplicity of it though.